I changed my major because my teacher is a swamp creature and I swear to god her assistant is some ex-prison minion of count olaf

*sigh* So week one of school has gone by...and I survived! But not after a minor nightmare...

Portrait of the Lab Assistant

So day one arrives and I get to my Anatomy class, the class I was MOST looking forward to because I love biology. I Sit down, straighten my papers, get out a fresh pencil, sit up straight--I'm ready, I'm eager, I'm prepared, I'm chipper, I'm EXCITED, the door opens... and out comes a swamp creature. You know, like those creepy hillbillys you see in movies who murder people in the bayou, have three teeth, and hunt crocodiles? Yeah, that kind. Well, okay, my teacher didn't look that bad, I suppose I'm only saying that now because of what I learned about her afterwards...*shivers* ANYWAYS. The teacher arrives and begins speaking about the course and all is well until she mentions how she CUTS OPEN DEAD BODIES AND SHE THINKS ITS FUN. I bet shes one of those contained serial killers, she probably gets a rise out of chopping people into pieces but doesn't want to go to jail for it, so does it in the name of "education" or something ridiculous of that sort. She then explains how she was once given the "special opportunity" to cut open a cadaver that she actually knew--the old school janitor who would often peer into her class late at night and ask about the dead bodies she had layed out. "Little did he know, he would be one of those bodies someday too." She described it as very special for her.....Shes a real sensitive and sentimental one, that teacher of mine.... Yeah nothing more comforting than knowing that if I did somehow, keel over and die tomorrow, my teacher would have no problem slicing my face open and playing with my kidneys. OH and that she would find it special because she knew me.....SICK MUCH?

SO THEN she reveals how LUCKY we are that THIS YEAR we have the opportunity of dissecting CATS (meow)  and fresh HUMAN BEINGS that she prepared for us over the summer.  OH joyous day. At this point, I'm dying inside.  Did you know the cost of a dead cat is $40? Oh and humans are only about $2,000... Lecture finishes,we move to the laboratory. I wish I could add sound effects in this because I believe this part of the story deserves the sound of thunder striking... oh and some dark creepy clouds would be nice too.

photo credit to Hipstercrite

 We get to laboratory and instead of regular lab desks we have these huge black operating tables surrounded by chairs...and there are long white-ish stains and etch marks concentrated into the center of the table...people shaped stains... I couldn't stomach putting my folders on the table when I knew there had been dead bodies on it. When I finally needed to take notes I poured hand sanitizer on the table and wiped a small area with a tissue. I don't care if people thought I was a freak. Quite frankly, I think THEY'RE the freaks for being so insensitive and comfortable with this situation. SO I settle in, and as if I'm not traumatized enough...out comes creature #2, the lab assistant. She waddles out of the back door where the bodies are kept, she has multiple chins and stomaches, scraggly gray boy hair, a menace on her face, one bulging eye, and a pirate eye-patch over  the other...oh and she didn't speak either, only grumbled and grunted in response as the teacher asked her to do things. I made you guys a brief illustration since I couldn't take pictures obviously.

 I will admit I was a little over-dramatic with the knife and dead kitten special effects, but everything else is pretty much a true to life depiction. And to those of you who consider this to be mean of me, would you consider it mean for someone to take a picture of her? Probably not. Then what is wrong with a drawing? I swear to god that's what she looked like...lol. We then had to do an activity where we wrote our fears of this class and tossed that paper into the trashcan in the middle of the room. Then we had to write our hopes and dreams for this class, fold them into airplanes, and sail them across the room...mine landed in the trash can. It was a sure sign. I am just not cut out for this. I changed my major the moment I stepped out of Frankenstein's laboratory. I dropped all my science classes and added new ones. I am proud to say I have resigned from my nursing major and am now pursuing English...Law school, here I come?